it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
