genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
