i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
seriously i just wanna be friends
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.