Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
