If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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