4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
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I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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