textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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