in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
they're like a gay fantastic four
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Randomize
