We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
