If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
