Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
