i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
