i was born a porn star she said
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
