I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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