I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
