you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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