If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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