Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
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