i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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