genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
