it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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