We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
