i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
