May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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