You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
