I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
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