im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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