Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
