God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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