you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
