I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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