I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
