I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
mondays should just be called national damage control day
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
