Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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