I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
