It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
