genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
