2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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