Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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