dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
