a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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