I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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