I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Randomize
