I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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