Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
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