remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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