drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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