I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
