just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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