Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
