alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
