That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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