FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
