So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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