someone owes me an orgasm
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
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I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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