Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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