I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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