oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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