so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
