YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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