Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Randomize
