Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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